I know I don't blog often at all anymore. I could give you a list of excuses as to why, but I won't. The truth is, I'm hurting right now and I need to get it out. I'm not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me. I just need to write it.
I miss my mom. This is an emotion I have daily but has been very heavy lately. It's been stronger than ever since Lawson was born, which I kind of expected. Sure it kills me that he won't know her. But sometimes it kills me even more that I can't call her with the simple baby questions. Or call her and let her hear Lawson laughing because I know she would love it. Ever since she died I get these very minute moments when I think to myself, "I haven't called my mom in awhile. I should call her." The moment doesn't even last a full second. I can't explain it any better than that. I just get a feeling that I haven't spoken to her and that I should.
She was in my dream the other night. I was a cheerleader in high school again and parents were invited to our practice and she was there. I walked into practice and for some reason I hadn't seen her for awhile so I ran up to her and gave her a hug. I felt the soft skin of her cheek up against mine and she smelled like she always did--like peppermint and her perfume. She wasn't sick in my dream. She looked like she did before she got sick, which is how I picture her to look now.
I get scared sometimes that I'm forgetting her. Sometimes I challenge myself to think of a memory of her. I try to think of one moment with her. And I can't. I try to picture her in my head and I can't. It's like a bunch of pictures and memories flash into view all at once but nothing sticks. Nothing rests in my mind for a moment so I can really see it. It scares me. It makes me think that I'm forgetting everything about her. But then she'll show up in a dream of mine like the other night. That helps, but it's not enough.
I knew I would miss her more when I had Lawson. I remember crying the night before he was born because it wasn't fair that she wouldn't be there to meet him the next day. I cry now because she doesn't get to enjoy him. She doesn't get to hold him and love on him. She doesn't get to tickle him and make him laugh. She doesn't get to spoil him. I hate that. When I think about all of that I want to throw a five-year-old's temper tantrum and scream and kick my legs and cry and shout "It's not fair" over and over. Because it's not. It's not fair that Lawson doesn't get to have her as a grandma. But then I get selfish because I also don't think it's fair that I don't get to have her either. I don't get to hear her voice or hear her laugh. I don't get to see her smile or hold her hand. I don't get to lose minutes and hours on the phone with her talking about The Young and the Restless and what we did that day. I don't get to waste Sundays with her or stay up late eating popcorn together and watching mindless television. I miss all of those things.
I don't know what else to say. Sometimes I have nights like this. Lawson is sleeping in his crib and Justin is at work and I just cry. I cry for her and for Lawson and for me. I cry until my shoulders shake and I run out of tears. I listen to some of her favorite songs and songs that remind me of her. I look at pictures of her. Then I take a shower and try to do something to distract myself. I wonder if it's healthy to do this. At least it makes me feel better.
Jenn...I have no words for this. I've never been there and so can't sympathize - but as your friend, even 4 hours apart and not super "close" anymore - I'm always just a phone call away. I'll listen to Lawson giggle anytime (I really do need to meet that kid....)! I actually think of your Mom often....everytime I hear "Brown Eyed Girl" on the radio, I smile....knowing how proud she must be of you. I know my Mom still gets sad and misses her HER Mom every single day, and shes been gone since my Mom was 28 (21 years ago). Don't worry about what's healthy - sometimes the healthiest thing to do is just let yourself be sad.
ReplyDeleteLots of love -
Nikki
Bless your heart!! I love u and miss u and this post kills me. I sit here and cry as I read this bc I totally understand. I cry bc ur saying the exact same thing that I feel about my grandma. U can always call me (765)730-0039
ReplyDeleteLove-Tonya
Jenn, I agree with Nikki...great love yields great pain, and deservedly so. *And there's nothing "fair" about losing your mom, just as there is everything "right" in missing her, grieving for what she is missing with Lawson, and remembering the sweet moments you shared with her. I am the same age now as my mom was when she died, and I find that I miss her maybe more now than when it happened. She was in so much pain that I wanted her to let go and be at peace. Before she died, Mom wrote me, Christian, Ashley (only 7 at the time) and in my letter, she told me to always talk to her because she would always hear me. She told me that she would always know the joys and sadnesses in my life... that there would be plenty of each...and that she would always always always love me and would send me strength whenever I needed it most, because that's what mothers do, however old they are for daughters however old THEY are.
ReplyDeleteIn addition to Misty's DNA in you and in Lawson, there is her beauty, strength, love, positive energy, joy, pride, and her wonderful mothering skills. So many little things...and it's the little things that really matter. The touches. The smells. The laughter. The smiles. The unsaid but always felt. You are honoring your mom by loving your son the way she loved you and Jessica...greatly, deeply, and protectively.
My mom has been gone for almost 20 years, and I miss her greatly. In a way, I welcome the tears I'm crying now as I read your post and as I write to you. My mom deserves to be cried over, and so does yours.
Lawson is adorable, happy, healthy, and loved. You have a beautiful family. As for the "sad" days...embrace them...expect them...respect them. And always talk to your mom...she's still your biggest fan!