Can you believe...

...that this little peanut is three months old today?

I can't.

My Breastfeeding Journey

Ah, breastfeeding. This is a subject that I've become quite educated on in the last three months. It is also a subject that for some reason is still kind of taboo in our society. Let's face it, when someone mentions breastfeeding, a lot of people automatically think BOOBS. And boobs can be an awkward subject. However, breastfeeding should not be.

Breastfeeding is natural. Go to different parts of the world and you will see women breastfeeding their babies (and toddlers) out in the open in public with no insecurities. Not only are the mothers not insecure, the other women and men around them won't even bat an eye at a woman breastfeeding her child in public. Then why is it so socially unacceptable to do that here in the good ol' USA? Why can't I expose my bare breast in the grocery store or at a restaurant or at the mall if and when Lawson gets hungry? Well, maybe I can, but it will offend people. I'm not saying that I would do that because even if it was socially acceptable...as much as I love breastfeeding...I have my limits. But it should be OK for a woman to do so if she chooses.

Breastfeeding is such a hush-hush subject. I can't tell you how many women have asked me since I had Lawson if I am breastfeeding him. However, it doesn't come up as naturally as the other questions I normally get asked: How big is he now? How is he sleeping? Do you just love being a mother? The breastfeeding question usually comes up at the end of the casual conversation and is normally asked in a whisper, close to my ear and almost through gritted teeth, like asking me if I'm breastfeeding is equivalent to asking me if I murdered someone. I smile politely and say that yes, I am breastfeeding. And then, almost always, I get asked, "And how is that going for you?" with a look and a tone that imply that if I'm not failing at breastfeeding now, I will be soon.

I think that breastfeeding is somewhat trendy in our culture. I get the impression that among women that are having babies today, breastfeeding is coming back in style, slowly but surely. But since it has been out of style for so long, that is what makes it uncomfortable for some. Formula was invented some time ago but was extremely popular in the 1970s. Over two-thirds of babies were formla-fed in the 1970s. It was promoted as easy and convenient and women loved it, so the trend was to give your baby formula. Formula isn't poison. Lawson has had formula and he may very well have it again. But formula got to be such a trend that breastfeeding was put on the back burner of the socially acceptable scale and therefore became an awkward subject of conversation. That's too bad.

I made the decision to breastfeed my child(ren) before I even thought about becoming pregnant for the first time. I knew it was something that I wanted to try. I knew the benefits of breastmilk and didn't think twice about giving it a go. However, I went into breastfeeding very blind. My mother was not able to breastfeed my sister or me due to very low milk supply so I never got advice or any kind of experience from her. I had a couple of friends have babies before me but never got into the depths of breastfeeding with them. When I got pregnant with Lawson, I read a lot about breastfeeding. A lot. All of that reading affirmed what I already knew I wanted: to breastfeed and be successful at it. To decide to breastfeed can be easy. To be successful at it can be the difficult part.

I was very lucky in that I was able to breastfeed Lawson for the first time very soon after he was born. Experts say that if you are going to breastfeed, you should do it within an hour after a baby is born to establish a good breastfeeding relationship. I wasn't able to do it quite that soon because of the C-section, but it was pretty soon after. I had an image in my head of what my first breastfeeding session would look like: Me, glowing from the euphoria of motherhood...holding my baby in my arms...the baby latched on perfectly to my breast and fully content as he got his first meal from me. I wish it was that easy. Lawson and I were amateurs at breastfeeding and it showed. Thanks to nature, Lawson knew more about breastfeeding than I did. Newborns have an instinct to open their mouth when a nipple is nearby and know how to suck to obtain milk. I, on the otherhand, felt a tad clueless when it came down to getting him latched on for the first time. No amount of reading could have prepared me enough to really know how to do it. Thankfully the nurses don't just throw you to the breastfeeding wolves and expect you to figure it out on your own. The nurses were very helpful but Lawson and I had latch problems in the beginning. Lawson was also not that hungry because he took a big gulp of amniotic fluid right before he was delivered so his belly was full and he had no interest in milk for several hours. The nurses kept telling me to not be discouraged and that it would happen. I must have been told not to be discouraged about 20 times, if not more, while I was in the hospital. But I was determined and didn't give up.

But it didn't get easier right away. We were starting to get the hang of breastfeeding when we left the hospital, but Lawson was pretty jaundice. I know that some of the nurses were nervous he wasn't getting enough calories to make the jaundice go away. Basically the more calories he took in, the lower his bilirubin levels would be and the jaundice would go away. However, my peanut was more concerned with sleeping rather than breastfeeding and that posed several problems. A sleepy baby is not a good eater, and boy did we have a sleepy baby. The jaundice was making him exhausted, especially when his bilirubin level was its highest at 18.6 (I think a level around 25 is when there starts to become real concern of harmful effects to the baby). He was a very sleepy and lethargic baby, which made breastfeeding him extremely difficult. He was perfectly content on sleeping and not eating. He was also content on not being full when he did eat. He would eat enough to not be hungry, but not be full, which was not making the jaundice go away. Justin and I struggled to get him to stay awake during each feeding. We would strip him down to his diaper before each feeding, hoping that him being cold would keep him awake. While he was eating we would pull at his limbs (not hard, of course), tickle his back and his feet, rub his head, poke at him, massage his neck, and basically do everything we could to get him to stay awake and eat. Since he was so sleepy while eating, feedings could take an hour to an hour and a half. Since he was eating every three hours (and that's every three hours from the start of one feeding to the start of another...not three hours from when he ended one feeding to the start of another), sometimes I would only get an hour break between feedings and I began to really understand what women meant when they said that breastfeeding is hard. And that was just from being exhausted...don't forget to factor in the sore, cracked nipples and pain from being engorged when my milk came in.

Lawson's pediatrician and the lactation consultants suggested that I pump after each feeding to get my supply to stay up and to use that extra milk to supplement him. Basically they wanted him packed with calories so we could get the bilirubin levels under control. So I thought he was eating around 2-3 oz. at every feeding and then I was pumping 2-3 oz., which would have been an awesome milk supply. However, my little man was only taking in about an ounce or so at each feeding and the extra milk I thought I had, was really just the milk that he should have been taking in but wasn't. We knew this because he was not gaining weight and his bilirubin levels were not decreasing for awhile. So on to plan B.

What was plan B? Hell. Instead of supplementing him (giving him extra breastmilk after a feeding) once or twice a day, we were now to supplement him at every feeding, at least an ounce each time and feed him every hour and a half to two hours. Since we were to supplement at every feeding, I was worried about having enough milk and about Lawson getting too used to a bottle and losing interest in breastfeeding. To combat the latter problem, we decided to use an SNS system to give Lawson his supplement. This means that I would breastfeed him and at the same time a tiny tube would go into the corner of his mouth that was connected to a syringe that held more milk. As he sucked to eat off of the breast, he would also suck the milk out of the syringe. We could have given him a bottle, but this system was recommended to us by both his pediatrician and the lactation consultants at the hospital. So we decided that was best. And I say we because it took two people to complete each feeding. I would focus on Lawson and Justin would help with the SNS. While the SNS helped with Lawson not getting used to a bottle, I was still worried about having enough milk for all of these feedings, and I didn't. We had to use formula for a lot of the supplement we gave him. The hardest part during this time was the exhaustion. A feeding would take 45 minutes to an hour, I would pump for 15 minutes and then I would get about 45 minutes to an hour break, and then we would start all over again. We did that around the clock for about four days. Justin nor I slept much at all and only for about 45 minutes to an hour at a time. Now that I look back, perhaps the word exhausted doesn't even begin to explain how tired we were.

But it worked. Lawson's bilirubin levels came down and we got rid of the jaundice. You would think that the SNS and the frequent feedings and the lack of sleep would have been my lowest point in breastfeeding, but that came about a week later. After Lawson's jaundice was pretty much gone, his pediatrician told me that I no longer needed to pump after each feeding since I didn't need to supplement Lawson with extra milk. I trusted her as she was a) a doctor and b) currently breastfeeding her daughter. So I stopped pumping. I was so ready to put that pump away and not think about it for a couple of months until I needed to stock the freezer for going back to work. But when I stopped pumping, my milk supply dropped drastically. Until then I hadn't been making a ton of milk, but I was making enough for him (except when we had to supplement at each feeding). Milk production works on a supply/demand basis--the baby demands it, the body makes it. Since pumping mimics (as best it can) breastfeeding, I was asking my body for a lot of milk between feeding Lawson and pumping, and my body was responding by making it. When I stopped pumping (stopped demanding) my body stopped making as much milk. This was a problem. The bigger a baby gets, the more milk he wants. Since Lawson's jaundice was gone and he was awake and alert during feedings and growing, he wanted more milk, and I simply wasn't making enough for him. I hit my breastfeeding rock-bottom when Lawson was three weeks old. He was hungry and I didn't have enough milk for him. He was crying and crying at the breast because he had completely drained it and was still starving. I felt like the biggest failure. I don't know why. It's not like I would be a failure of a mother if I couldn't breastfeed. But I was exhausted and overwhelmed and I completely lost it. I remember laying him on the couch, screaming with hunger, and standing in the kitchen and crying because I didn't have enough milk for him. Enter Justin. He came home from work at that point, calmed me down, calmed Lawson down and off we went to the breastfeeding support group at the hospital. Thank goodness for lactation consultants. They reassured me that I was not a breastfeeding failure. They suggested that I do some things to increase my milk supply and that if I had to give Lawson a little formula in the meantime, then it would be fine.

I started the slow climb back up the sanity ladder and took measures to increase my supply. On the way home from the hospital that evening we stopped at GNC to get Fenugreek pills. Fenugreek is an herb used for several different reasons but commonly used to increase milk supply. I'm not sure exactly how it works, but it does! I saw a difference within a few days and was very relieved. Only downside about taking Fenugreek? It makes you smell like maple syrup. In fact, if you don't smell like maple syrup, you aren't taking enough to have an effect on your milk supply. So I was taking nine pills a day...and I smelled like a nice big stack of pancakes for six weeks. After six weeks I was able to stop taking it as your body keeps up your supply without the pill after that amount of time.

The second major measure I took to increase my supply was to pump at least four or five times a day. Even if I didn't get any milk when I pumped, I was trying to trick my body into thinking that even though I was empty, I still wanted it to give me more milk so it should produce milk. It helped and I slowly weaned myself off of pumping so much. Finally, I started drinking more water. I think this is one of the most important measures to take when increasing and keeping a milk supply. You have to drink enough water and eat enough calories to achieve a good supply since you lose so much water through breastfeeding and burn about 500 calories a day as well. Now I think I drink about 125-150 oz. of water a day. I may not be a slave to my pump anymore but I'm definitely a slave to my water bottle!

Now, as Lawson approaches three months of age on Thursday, we are breastfeeding pros. He is eating six times a day and gaining weight like a champ. I am able to pump 4-5 oz. of milk each morning after his first feeding and I have a nice supply in the freezer. I'm insanely jealous of women that can pump 20 oz. in one sitting, but I have to remind myself that it is my job to feed my baby, not the freezer.

I've come to love breastfeeding. It was extremely difficult in the beginning. It was physcially draining since I was exhausted and sore and emotionally draining due to all of my frustration and stress. But now I love feeding Lawson. He is a much more efficient eater so feedings don't take quite as long. And while he is getting bigger everyday, I know that at least six times a day I get to have him snuggled up to me.

I've become passionate about breastfeeding. I still read almost anything I can get my hands on about it. I can't educate myself enough about it. It is one of the most rewarding and selfless things I've ever done because I did it and still do it for Lawson. My goal is to breastfeed him (or at least give him breastmilk through pumping) for a year and then make the decision if I want to continue longer. However, if that doesn't work out I won't beat myself up about it since I know I've truly given my best try at breastfeeding.

I'm glad I wrote this post as most of it was for myself to document my breastfeeding journey, but I also think it was beneficial to say that breastfeeding does not have to be such an off-limits topic. It doesn't have to be a secret. I'm not going to breastfeed Lawson in the middle of Olive Garden  (mmmm...breadsticks) anytime soon, but if I want to, I shouldn't be thrown dirty looks or feel frowned upon. Nor should I feel like a failure if I have to stop breastfeeding and give Lawson formula. At the end of the day a mother that does her job and feeds her baby so that he or she grows and thrives is a good mother.

Finally!

I finished Lawson's birth story...finally. It only took me about three months! It's right below this post. Enjoy!

Lawson's Birth Story

Just as I thought it would happen, Justin and I did not get much sleep at all the night before Lawson was born. We spent that night taking turns looking at each other every half hour to make sure the other one wasn't freaking out. That night was filled with laughs and hugs and tears. It was a great night and one that seemed perfect as our last night of just the two of us. I remember falling asleep around 1 a.m. and waking up around 3:30 a.m. and realizing Justin wasn't in bed with me any longer. He had moved to the living room like he always does when he can't sleep. I read for a little bit, he came back to bed, and we talked for awhile before we both tried to go to sleep but never really succeeded.

We got up that morning and were too wrapped up in making sure that everything was packed and ready to go to really think and be nervous. We said goodbye to Maggie (poor kitty's world was about to be turned upside down and she didn't even know it), loaded the car, and off we went. We arrived at the hospital and had to wait awhile in triage before the process really got started. The first couple of hours we were there were filled with being hooked up to monitors (I was having contractions but didn't feel them), IVs, and a million questions for me while Justin put our things in our room and fielded the question of if he had the camera from me about a hundred times. My nurse in the morning and throughout my C-section was nothing short of amazing. She was funny and extremely calming. She always let me know what was going on while it was going on and I felt so comfortable around her. She never made me feel like my questions or concerns were stupid, which is what I was afraid of in a nurse. I understand that they are around deliveries/C-sections everyday, but I'm certainly not.

A couple of hours flew by and off to the operating room we went. Well, I went. Justin wasn't allowed to come in the room until my spinal block was correctly placed and I was on the table. I was very nervous to be without him, but something happened then that I don't think was a coincidence. I walked into the operating room, teeth chattering and knees shaking because I was so nervous (plus, it's really cold in there). I sat down on the table to wait to have the spinal block put in (they can't put it in until they know the doctor is on his/her way to perform the C-section since it only lasts for so long) and James Taylor's "You've Got a Friend" came on the radio. My mom was a huge James Taylor fan. You can call me crazy, but when that song came on, I felt calm and comforted. I believe it was a sign that she was there with me, letting me know that everything was going to be OK. And it was.

My spinal was placed with no complications at all and Justin was brought in. Even though I could only see his eyes since he was all scrubbed up, I could tell he was nervous. I was trying to keep it together for him and he was trying to keep it together for me. From there things seemed to go by very quickly. Before I knew it, the curtain was up, I was feeling a lot of pressure (yes, what you hear the doctors/nurses tell C-section patients on TV really is what happens...it's A LOT of pressure), and we were both waiting to hear a first cry and find out if we had a son or daughter. The doctor let Justin do the honors on that last one. Once the little one was out enough, I saw Justin stand up, look at our doctor, and then say with such pride in his voice that we had a baby boy! The next thing I heard was little Lawson cry. I'm not sure how to describe that moment without being cliche. That cry was the best sound I had ever heard. It was the happiest, most beautiful moment of my life. I felt like I was standing in the corner of the room watching it all happen. Lawson cried, I cried, and Justin beamed. Lawson was raised above the curtain for me to see him. He was swollen and goopy and slimy and simply...gorgeous. And like only baby boys can, he peed three times between the operating table and the "cleaning off" station (for lack of what it's really called...if it has a proper name). While I was being...well, taken care of...Justin was snapping photos. For a moment I felt alone there on the operating table, but in a good way. I thanked God for my healthy baby boy, I closed my eyes and felt my mom's presence all around me, and took a few moments to look over at what was now not just my husband, but my family. My boys.

Lawson passed all of his tests with flying colors and the time came for him to be weighed. Now remember, if you will, I had a scheduled C-section because little Lawson wasn't supposed to be so little. I think I asked about three times before he was weighed how big he was but everyone kept telling me he hadn't been weighed yet, so the anticipation was building. When our little man was finally placed on the scales, he was only 7 pounds, 15 ounces. I say only because he was estimated to be 9 1/2 pounds at least! Justin and I looked at each other when his weight was announced and joked with the nurse to weigh him again because there was no way that could be right! I was shocked for a second and then locked eyes with my doctor. She knew what I was thinking: Hey Doc, if he wasn't even 8 pounds, why am I strapped down to this table, gutted like a fish, instead of recovering from a vaginal delivery (like I wanted)? She didn't miss a beat and said, "You would have never pushed his head out anyway." Oh yeah. He did have a big noggin.

Once he was weighed, he was swaddled and given to Justin. Lawson was the first newborn Justin had ever held and he looked completely natural. He looked happy and calm and like he had been playing this role of daddy his whole life. He brought him over to me so I could kiss him. I find it interesting when people (parents included) describe newborns as strangers and that it takes time to get to know them. I didn't feel that way at all. I already knew him. I knew that he got hiccups almost everyday, especially in the evening. I knew that he liked to stick his butt out on the right side of my belly just as I got into bed every night. I knew the soft punches he gave me in the middle of the night, like we were the only two people awake at 3 a.m. and it was our little secret. I knew he was a little boy, even though no one had ever confirmed that to me. I knew that if I pressed on a certain spot on my belly, he would kick back. I knew him. I guess in a way it was like meeting him for the first time as I stared at him and tried to memorize his features, but it was also like looking into his eyes and seeing my soulmate that I'd known for my entire life.

He was placed in my arms for the ride to our room. After nurses fussed over both of us again as we arrived in our room, he was placed skin-to-skin on my chest. While Lawson was snoozing away on my chest and I was enjoying the indescribable high of first-time motherhood, we decided we would delay the family meeting him a little longer but that Justin should go to the waiting room and at least share with them that we had a perfect baby boy. I was jealous that he got this task but very excited for him. I think that one of the most special moments for a first-time daddy is the walk into the waiting room to share the news with the anxious family members. Someone had given us the advice that he should take the camera with him and take a picture of the family just as he walked out to catch their excitement. It is one of my favorite pictures from the day. I love knowing that those huge smiles were of genuine excitement and all for our baby boy.

After Lawson and I snuggled for awhile, nature did it's thing and he began wanting to breastfeed. We stumbled a little awkwardly through that first feeding, but it went fairly well and Lawson quickly fell back to sleep. At that time we decided it was time to allow family to come in and put them out of their waiting patiently misery. Justin and I had decided awhile back that my dad would be the first visitor in to meet Lawson. This was my request. While I knew the day would be obviously joyous, I also knew that it would be incredibly difficult to not have my mother there. Since I knew my dad would be feeling the same way, I wanted to have a few moments with my dad and my new baby to let our emotions out without an audience.

Once my dad entered the room, tears came to my eyes as I heard him already choked up as he washed his hands. He came right to my bedside and took Lawson in his arms. I had a feeling at that moment that is difficult to describe. I think there is something awesome about giving my dad the gift of a grandchild. I was so thankful already that I was chosen to be Lawson's mommy, but thankful all over again that with that gift, I was able to make my dad a grandfather. We cried happy and sad tears at that moment and I smiled as my dad held Lawson for the first time and looked at him as if he had known him forever. My dad said what everyone was thinking, "I wish your mom was here to see this." Me too, Dad. But I know she was. I allowed myself to be sad that day about my mom when I needed to be. But more importantly, I allowed myself to not let that sadness overcome me. I felt very peaceful throughout the entire day when I thought about my mother and her physical absence because I knew she was present in other ways. I feel her all around me more now that I am a mother than I ever did before.

After my dad had a few minutes, we let the rest of the grandparents and Aunt Jessica and Uncle Shane come back to meet Lawson. We also had other family members and friends visit throughout the evening. I didn't really have time to be tired or in pain. I never was in much pain or uncomfortable that first day, except that the drugs they give you after a C-section make your face itch like mad, at least they did for me.

We kept Lawson in the room with us that first night, which meant we got very little sleep and jumped at every little grunt, squeak, and sound that Lawson made. But we were on a cloud higher than nine and didn't mind. However, we did come to our senses the second day and had the nurses take Lawson to the nursery for a few hours the next two evenings. Apparently all of the nurses in the nursery fought over holding him the entire time he was down there, so I know he was loved on while Mommy and Daddy got some much-needed sleep.

Thanks to the nurses, staff, my doctor, morphine, and percocet, our stay at the hospital was incredibly comfortable and easy. Recovering from a C-section is no joke but I took the advice of several people and got up and moving as soon as I could. The encouragement, love, and support I got from Justin made me feel like a rockstar, which was extremely helpful.

After the first day in the hospital, we spent the rest of the time with few visitors, which was actually nice as we soaked in our baby boy and enjoyed our first few days as a family of three. We were lucky to eat two different Thanksgiving dinners brought by family members and even dressed Lawson up in his Thanksgiving outfit, even though it was way too big for him.

On Saturday afternoon we packed up our things, strapped Lawson into his carseat for the first time and headed home. I was really sad to leave the hospital. Everything seemed so easy while we were there and I was scared that we had to go home and do this on our own, but ready for the adventure.

Here are some more photos from the day:

 A proud daddy and his boy.

 First photo of our family of three.

 Lawson's first bath just a few hours after he was born.

 We spent a lot of time like this in the hospital.

 Lawson's first Thanksgiving! He was in this outfit for about five minutes for the photo op.

 This is the first picture we got of him with his eyes open!

All ready to go home!

(Goodness...Mama needs some make-up.)

 

Lawson is the biggest love of my life and I feel so honored to be his mother. After just re-living all of that, I must go wipe my tears and snuggle with my baby boy.

Beware!

THE ONE-SOCK BANDIT IS ON THE LOOSE!

Poor Lawson is a victim of the One-Sock Bandit at least once a day, if not more. Funny, though, this bandit only takes the sock off and usually leaves it right next to Lawson. Sometimes we think he tries to get away with the sock as we will find one sock on Lawson and one on the floor, but he has never fully gotten away with one. He usually strikes during the night or at naptime, leaving a sleeping Lawson with one cold foot. Sometimes he sneaks up on us during a feeding, so I'm surprised I haven't noticed him, but we are determined to get him one of these days!

Just call me Martha.

Stewart, that is. Well, on second thought, don't call me that. Think of someone that has crafting fever but is younger and hipper and hasn't been to jail. Call me by that person's name.

It all started a little while ago when I saw a yarn wreath project on a blog I read. Don't know what a yarn wreath is? Google it. They seem to be all the rage on craft blogs these days.

I thought it was absolutely precious and knew instantly that I wanted needed one of these hanging on a wall in the Leavell house. So my sister, Lawson, and I made a quick trip to the craft store (Jo-Ann's...my homegirl) that very night I discovered the wonder of the yarn wreath and got the necessary supplies, which included a styrofoam wreath form, yarn, and felt.

One evening I started wrapping my wreath form with yarn (which can and will take you 4 hours total if you are a perfectionist like me and every line of yarn had to be perfect...and if you have an almost three-month-old baby that likes to snuggle and not let Mommy have craft time). A few days (and nap times) later, my wreath was wrapped and donning incredibly cute felt flowers and leaves and now lives in our bathroom. I know, the bathroom might seem like a weird place to put it but I made it in very neutral colors so I knew that I wanted it to be somewhere that had some color and our bathroom walls are orange sooooo that seemed like the obvious place. Wanna see it? It's just so cute!

The great thing about it is that I used pins to put the flowers on so if I ever want to change it up, I can. But I like the neutrals for now.

Or if I want another style it will just give me an excuse to make another one, which I'm itching to do.

Speaking of itching, that little yarn wreath certainly gave me the crafting bug. After I finished my little bathroom gem, I was craving more yarn and felt and project ideas so I scoured the Internet for craft blogs and ideas, found some I loved, strapped the little man in his car seat and made off like a mad woman to the craft store (Michael's this time...my homeboy).

I grabbed a bunch of supplies, including a pile of felt. Um, felt is the coolest, in case you didn't know. Seriously. I have a whole pile:

I have a myriad of projects I'm currently working on and Justin is tripping over in the living room floor. They are all projects for my little peanut's room, which is still not finished but needs to be soon since he will be moving in there in a about a month. But let's not talk about that since it makes me hyperventilate.

If you need me, I'll be drooling over my pile of felt in the living room. That, or I'll be throwing myself face first in the carpet and bawling my eyes out because Lawson is officially in 3-6 month clothes. Slow down, kid.

I'm obsessed...

WITH LAWSON'S FEET

They are the cutest feet I've ever seen in my life. I am constantly kissing them, touching them, or tickling them during diaper changes, when I change, his clothes, bathtime, and, well, pretty much all the time. Justin thinks I'm crazy. I think it's normal...right? Thankfully it looks as though he will take after his daddy and avoid inheriting my Fred Flinstone feet. Dodged that bullet. Honestly, there is nothing cuter than these scrumptious little baby toes!

It's official...

I have the

CUTEST

1 1 - w e e k - o l d

baby boy on the planet.