Wednesday, November 23, 2011

One Year Later



I apologize in advance if this post sounds like a bunch of random word vomit, but my feelings are everywhere at the moment. I just re-read the post I wrote the night before Lawson was born. It's funny how I'm feeling the same emotions: happy, sad, excited, and anxious. With no better way to say it, I can't believe my baby will be one tomorrow. I also can't believe how emotional I am about it.

I love the age that Lawson is. I love watching him play and learn and discover new things everyday. I love to hear him laugh and squeal and say "Mama." I love to watch him walk. I love his open-mouthed kisses and bear hugs. But I miss my little baby. No, this does not mean I'm ready for another one. Everyone always said that by Lawson's first birthday I would be ready for another baby. That is completely untrue. I don't want another baby right now. You never really know what everyone means when they say, "Enjoy it. It goes by way too fast." until you are putting away tubs of baby clothes in the closet and a newborn diaper falls from the extra pile on the top shelf and you can't remember when your little boy used to be that small.

I've cried no less than ten times today. I guess it doesn't help that I visited and decided on a daycare today for Lawson (Justin got a new job! More on that later). Like I said, I love the age Lawson is now. I'm excited for him to experience each new day, but I'm sad for the days that have already gone by that I'm not going to get back.

However, no matter how emotional I am tomorrow, I will not let it stop me from enjoying his birthday. I can't wait to scoop him up out of his crib tomorrow and hug him. I want to celebrate him and enjoy him and reflect on what a great year we've had with him. Being a mother really makes you feel like each new day you have with your child is a gift. Lawson is the best gift I've ever received.


Happy birthday, Bear. I'll love you forever.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

In full swing!

We are in the thick of our two weeks of birthday fun! As I'm writing, there are three minutes left in Justin's 30th birthday and I think he had a good day. Lawson made his daddy a jar filled with the top 30 reasons why Lawson and Mommy love Daddy. Justin gets to open one per day for 30 days. He said that he didn't cheat today and only opened one. Why do Lawson and Mommy love Daddy today? Because he helps with the laundry!

I just finished making Lawson's birthday onesies. I made two long-sleeved onesies and they each have a big number one on them in different fabrics. One is for Lawson to wear at his party and the other is for his actual birthday. I'll post pictures of them when he's actually wearing them because those photos will be much cuter than the photos of the onesies just laying on my ironing board.

I'm in the middle of making felt letters for Lawson's birthday banner but I took a break to shower and write a little blog entry. And to look up more first birthday party decoration ideas on Pinterest.

You know who is tuckered out from all the birthday fun around here? This little boy:


And he hasn't even had his party or birthday yet! He fell asleep on the living room floor last night while playing. Before I woke him up to give him a bottle and put him to bed, I fulfilled my motherly duty and took pictures. He then slept for 14 hours last night. I think he is going through his one-year growth spurt. There was one night last week that he slept for 15 hours without a peep and then took an almost three-hour nap!

Unlike my little bear, sleep is not a priority on my list in the next few days as I get ready for his party. Back to making decorations...

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Multitasking

Can you clap and walk at the same time? Lawson can.


The next two weeks in the Leavell house are sure to be pretty exciting! Justin turns 30 on Wednesday (Lawson and I are crafting up a little surprise for that...shhh...), Lawson's first birthday party is on Saturday, and Lawson turns one on Thanksgiving! If you need me, I'll be cleaning, decorating, cooking, or rocking back and forth in the corner as I come to the realization that my baby is turning one.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

He walks!

So obviously I haven't written an update about not updating, but it would be my same old "too busy" mantra so I'm just going to jump in with some more regular posting like I was never gone. K? And before you witness 12 seconds of what is the coolest thing in our house right now, I must apologize for how dark this video is, how shaky it is, and how completely ridiculous my 27-year-old voice sounds on camera. Now that I've said that, enjoy Lawson as he walks.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

To My Bear

Dear Lawson,

If you could space out the milestones, I'd appreciate it. I'm overwhelmed with all of the clapping, waving, and walking that went on this weekend. Just when I stress out that you aren't hitting any milestones that you should be at twelve months, you go ahead and accomplish them in 48 hours. Really? Also, if we could work on you not getting two or three teeth at a time instead of one, that'd be great too.

Love you forever,
Mama

A little more info: He clapped for the first time yesterday and was so proud of himself that he hasn't stopped yet. In need of a round of applause? Come visit our house. He waved bye-bye to Justin when Justin left for work today. It was the first wave that I felt he understood what he was doing instead of me just mistaking an arm flail for a wave. He also took seven steps in the middle of the kitchen today. Seven. I think that counts as his first steps, right? We won't count those five that Justin said he took on his own one day last week when I was at work. It doesn't count if Mama doesn't see it!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

For My Aunt Connie

I spoke with my Aunt Connie tonight. I'm a bad niece for not contacting her more often. She said that she checks my blog about three times a week and is always disappointed that she never sees anything new. She told me to at least update and say that I'm too busy to update. But I think I can do a little better than that.


Today is her birthday so Lawson decided to take a picture for her after his bath tonight. Sorry you can't see that he's smiling. He's rarely without a paci after a bath. So, Aunt Connie, happy birthday! We love you and can't wait to see you!

Oh, and don't those big boy dinosaur pajamas kill you?!

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Resolutions

Happy New Year! Well, I'm jumping the gun. I should really be saying that at midnight tonight. Confused? As a teacher, I always feel like the rollover from July to August is much more the start of a new year than the actual year change and holiday. And with my new year starting tomorrow, I feel there are some resolutions I want/need to make with regard to the new school year. While I have been a working mama before when I went back for the last nine weeks of school last spring, going back to work in just two short weeks will be very different. Lawson is a different baby than he was two months ago with a completely different schedule. I feel it will be even harder to go back to work this time around than it was in the spring knowing that I have 36 weeks of work to get through before I can spend each day with him again versus the nine weeks I had to get through the first time. With all of that said, there are some vows I'm making to myself as I sport my working mother hat here in a couple of weeks. Here they are:

1. No working on anything for school before Lawson goes to bed.
Justin and I are probably crazy but we are working opposite schedules again once school starts. While we don't see too much of each other, Lawson doesn't have to go to daycare. I don't have anything against daycare, but we can make this arrangement work for us, so we do. Lawson has been going to bed lately around 8 p.m. (sometimes a little earlier, sometimes a little later) so that will give me a few hours in the evenings to work on what I need to before I go to bed. Sidenote: With my school hours changing, I don't have to leave for school until around 8 a.m. each morning so I get to nurse Lawson when he wakes up and spend an hour with him before I go to school, which is awesome.

2. No school work in the bedroom.
I have a really bad habit about taking work to bed with me. However, I always get too sleepy to do it and it never gets done. Plus, I want to really relax at night before I go to sleep. I decided that I will keep all school work out of the bedroom. I already removed all the books/papers/workbooks/etc. that were cluttered on the floor and they will not be going back in!

3. Work on Friday nights when Lawson goes to bed.
That doesn't sound like fun does it? Well, Justin will be at work anyway so I figure if I can still work on school stuff on Friday nights when Lawson goes to bed then I won't have to work as much when Lawson is awake on the weekends, and hopefully I won't have as much to do on Sunday nights when I normally try to cram it all in and get depressed about Monday approaching way to quickly.

4. Save the TV for the weekend.
I love TV (and I'm not afraid to admit it) and DVR a lot of shows. I can get distracted by these pretty easily. I honestly feel accomplished when I can delete shows off the DVR. Silly, I know. So I'm going to try and save my shows for the weekend. This will allow me to get more done during the weekday evenings and hopefully not have as much to do on the weekend.

5. Make more good phone calls home to parents.
No parent likes to get the call that little Susie or Johnny is doing poorly in school and I certainly don't like making those calls. However, they must be done. So in order to make phone calls home to parents a little more bearable, I want to start making some good phone calls to parents. I'm sure some parents will love to hear that their son/daughter is doing great...what parent wouldn't?

6. Grade, grade, grade.
I always get behind in grading. Always. So once again, like I swear I'll do every school year, I will try to keep up on my grades. Hoping some other resolutions will help this one to fall into place.

7. Say no.
Want to serve on this committee? Sure! Want to help with this event? Absolutely! Want to give up your entire prep period to do me a favor? Yes! That's how I used to be. I feel like I'm always saying yes to everything. However, I'd like to say no more this year. I need all of my time during my prep period and when Lawson goes to bed to work on grading and planning so I don't want to take on anything else to take away from me not getting done what I need to get done. Doing that would ultimately take away from time with Lawson which I definitely don't want!

8. Implement new lesson plans and activities.
With four years of teaching under my belt, I feel very comfortable with knowing what works and what doesn't. However, I think that a teacher can get into a rut of just using the same lessons and activities all of the time, and I'd like to implement some new things that I've had floating around in my head and see how they work.

9. Get to know more students on an individual level.
It's easy to get to know the student that raises her hand each day in class and is outgoing, but it's difficult to get to know the student that sits in the corner in the back of the room. While I do my best, I don't get to know all of my students like I'd like to. I'm going to try to remedy that this year.

10. Have fun!
The Leavell household will not be ready for me to be a stay-at-home mama anytime soon and that's OK. In the meantime, I'd like to try and have fun this year and really enjoy my time at school as well as at home.

Here's to a good year!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Lawson: A Little Photo Update

Cuteness overload! I imagine you are currently gushing about how adorable my baby boy is. Don't you just want to stick him in a pita pocket and take a big bite of him? Oh...just me? Well, while I refrain from doing that, here are some details as to what my little man has been up to.

1. When Lawson smiles, he smiles with his entire face. I love this about him.

2. Silly bear...he was removing his hand from his mouth (that's rare!) to lunge for the camera.

3. What do you do when you can't stack the blocks yet? Eat them.

4. I'm shocked Maggie let Lawson get this close to her. And even more shocked at how big she looks. Believe it or not, Lawson weighs more than her.

5. Crazy baby after a bath.

6. This is Lawson's new position of choice. He has been rolling from his back to his belly with ease for about three weeks now. He could always do it before then, but he's a pro now. He is just now starting to get on his knees instead of his belly. But I don't think full-on crawling is around the corner...he still has a long way to go. Oh, and I made that blanket he is wrapped up in.

7. This picture is from a couple of months ago (I can tell by the paci that is in his mouth and the length of his hair...only things a mommy would notice). He takes his morning nap in our bed and that's how he fell asleep one morning. We have a picture of him like this from when he was a few weeks old. I guess old (sleeping) habits die hard!

8. I made that rug he is sitting on out of old T-shirts. I'm pretty awesome. And he was a very good model.

9. We take pictures of Lawson every month with the same teddy bear so we can see how big he gets from month to month. This is his seven month picture. We made that bear at Build-A-Bear for him for Christmas. He used to be the same size as it...crazy.

10. Lawson has learned how to play toss. That basketball in his hands is squishy so he can grab it and the other night Justin taught him how to throw it. You may think this is impossible for a baby to learn, but he totally does it. If Justin tosses the ball into Lawson's lap, he picks it up and throws it back. Justin is convinced we have a baseball prodigy.

11. You would think that with Lawson chewing on his hands (and everything else) so much that we would have seen teeth by now...we haven't.

12. Lawson's first time in the baby swing at the park. It was still really big for him. His first time in a swing was really at Grandpa Rick's house, but I don't have a picture of that. The swing Grandpa got him is much better than the one at the park and will be delivered to our backyard soon!

13. This is one of Lawson's favorite toys to chomp on. It goes in the car seat with him or the diaper bag every time we leave the house. Other toys we don't leave the house without? Sophie the giraffe (a teething toy), his plastic letters that link together, and his stuffed Mickey Mouse...he loves Mickey.

14. Batman! Please don't tell him that you saw him without his mask...he will be very upset.

15. I just think this picture is cute. Well, I think all of the pictures are cute.

16. Lunging for the camera again. And isn't his paci cute? Mams makes the cutest pacis. And when I'm trying to get Lawson to give up his paci (which is ALWAYS in his mouth), remind me of when I begged him for three weeks to take a paci when he wouldn't. I'm sure I'll regret my efforts.

And the middle picture? Plain adorableness.

Hope you enjoyed all the cuteness! Now about that pita pocket... 

Monday, July 11, 2011

Feeding My Little Bear

A mama bear must feed her baby bear. And with that comes this realization: I have a new favorite thing.

Making baby food! I explored the idea of making my own baby food while I was pregnant but didn't give it too much thought when I was in the "newborn survival mode" and then the "working mom survival mode." But once Lawson hit six months and was ready to eat solid food beyond rice cereal (which he never liked anyway), I began researching making baby food again. We gave him Earth's Best Organic jarred baby food for a couple of weeks at first to see what he liked. I didn't want to make batches of one type of food if he ended up hating it. Fortunately, this kid will eat anything. So we had out first adventure in baby food making in the beginning of June once school was out and I had some time on my hands. Turns out that it isn't that hard. In fact, it's easy, and for me, incredibly addicting. We bought a cheap food processor (cheap as in it has one speed but works just fine), a bunch of produce, some ice cube trays, and some freezer bags. I got Justin on board with the idea (his favorite perk of making baby food is that we save money buying produce vs. buying jarred food) and we baked, steamed, pureed, froze, and stored. Easy! I decided I would try the method of freezing the purees in ice cube trays and it has worked very well. Each cube is about an ounce so we can grab two or three ounces as needed. 

In the past six weeks we've only made baby food on three occasions since we can make so much at one time. The first time we made pears, peaches, butternut squash, peas, and sweet potatoes. I also made carrots toward the middle of June and green beans and mango about a week ago.

I mainly use the website www.wholesomebabyfood.com as a resource. There are tons of baby food recipe books out there but I don't have any. I basically look to see what type of foods are appropriate for the age Lawson is at the time and then puree them accordingly. The first batches of food I made were very smooth purees but the ones I made today were a little thicker and chunkier.

Lately I'm having a lot of fun mixing different fruits and vegetables as Lawson is ready for combinations. He is also eating cinnamon in his fruit and oatmeal on occasion and loves it. I have yet to find a food that he doesn't like. I tried giving him avocado the other night and he wasn't a big fan, but I'm convinced that was a texture thing instead of taste thing since he is used to having smooth purees. I'm trying to introduce chunkier food every now and then so he can start to practice chewing (with his gums...no teeth yet!). Today I made peaches, pears, apples, sweet potatoes, butternut squash, and froze some banana slices. I didn't realize that you can freeze banana slices until I read about it today. Bananas are easy since you don't have to puree them but obviously they go bad. So I sliced up five bananas and froze them so I can use as many slices as I need and not let the bananas go bad. After I make green beans and peas in the next couple of days we will have enough food in the freezer for about six weeks.


Wow, I just read through this post and realized that I sound like some kind of pro-baby-food-making commercial. I promise I'm not trying to sound that lame. It's fun for me to make Lawson's food and very satisfying when he likes it. See?


He is still getting all of his calories from breastmilk (still nursing like a champ five times a day!) since baby food mainly provides different flavor and texture experiences for him right now. And the biggest bonus about solid food--jarred or homemade? Solid poop! No more blowouts! Now that's a reason to celebrate!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

I miss my mom.

I know I don't blog often at all anymore. I could give you a list of excuses as to why, but I won't. The truth is, I'm hurting right now and I need to get it out. I'm not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me. I just need to write it.

I miss my mom. This is an emotion I have daily but has been very heavy lately. It's been stronger than ever since Lawson was born, which I kind of expected. Sure it kills me that he won't know her. But sometimes it kills me even more that I can't call her with the simple baby questions. Or call her and let her hear Lawson laughing because I know she would love it. Ever since she died I get these very minute moments when I think to myself, "I haven't called my mom in awhile. I should call her." The moment doesn't even last a full second. I can't explain it any better than that. I just get a feeling that I haven't spoken to her and that I should.

She was in my dream the other night. I was a cheerleader in high school again and parents were invited to our practice and she was there. I walked into practice and for some reason I hadn't seen her for awhile so I ran up to her and gave her a hug. I felt the soft skin of her cheek up against mine and she smelled like she always did--like peppermint and her perfume. She wasn't sick in my dream. She looked like she did before she got sick, which is how I picture her to look now.

I get scared sometimes that I'm forgetting her. Sometimes I challenge myself to think of a memory of her. I try to think of one moment with her. And I can't. I try to picture her in my head and I can't. It's like a bunch of pictures and memories flash into view all at once but nothing sticks. Nothing rests in my mind for a moment so I can really see it. It scares me. It makes me think that I'm forgetting everything about her. But then she'll show up in a dream of mine like the other night. That helps, but it's not enough.

I knew I would miss her more when I had Lawson. I remember crying the night before he was born because it wasn't fair that she wouldn't be there to meet him the next day. I cry now because she doesn't get to enjoy him. She doesn't get to hold him and love on him. She doesn't get to tickle him and make him laugh. She doesn't get to spoil him. I hate that. When I think about all of that I want to throw a five-year-old's temper tantrum and scream and kick my legs and cry and shout "It's not fair" over and over. Because it's not. It's not fair that  Lawson doesn't get to have her as a grandma. But then I get selfish because I also don't think it's fair that I don't get to have her either. I don't get to hear her voice or hear her laugh. I don't get to see her smile or hold her hand. I don't get to lose minutes and hours on the phone with her talking about The Young and the Restless and what we did that day. I don't get to waste Sundays with her or stay up late eating popcorn together and watching mindless television. I miss all of those things.

I don't know what else to say. Sometimes I have nights like this. Lawson is sleeping in his crib and Justin is at work and I just cry. I cry for her and for Lawson and for me. I cry until my shoulders shake and I run out of tears. I listen to some of her favorite songs and songs that remind me of her. I look at pictures of her. Then I take a shower and try to do something to distract myself. I wonder if it's healthy to do this. At least it makes me feel better.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

This is why I don't blog...

There is nothing like waking up at 5:30 a.m. to the sound of your cat puking IN YOUR BED. Luckily Justin kicked her off the bed in time for her to vomit on the carpet. I enjoy scrubbing cat puke out of the carpet first thing in the morning. Since then I've cleaned up four more piles of cat vomit, three were thankfully on the hardwood floors and the last one she managed to do in our bed but on the blanket that is at the foot of the bed for her to sleep on. So after throwing blankets in the washer covered in cat puke and baby poop (from a blowout last night), I'm going to spend my free time while Lawson naps with Justin in our bed to relax and enjoy the few moments of freedom when I'm not cleaning up another living creature's bodily fluids.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Holy hiatus, Batman.

A lot has changed since my last post:

I went from fantasy-world-stay-at-home-mom to working mom for nine weeks and now back to fantasy-world-stay-at-home-mom since school is out. Ah, sweet freedom. At least until August 12th.

With that, I now have four years of teaching under my belt. And 60 extra pounds over my belt. Ugh.

We have tomato plants in the backyard and a 13-year-old cat who, I think, has some bad arthritis.

My hair is three inches shorter. I also cut Justin's hair. Yep, I've added men's haircuts to my list of many talents.

And Lawson? Lawson is twice the age he was in my last post. He is also a few pounds heavier and a couple of inches longer. He laughs and squeals and gobbles up as many jars of bananas and carrots as I will let him. He is thisclose to sitting up on his own. He had pneumonia and came out of it like a champ. He is also the proud owner of a sippy cup, Gerber banana and apple cinnamon flavored puffs, 6+ months pacifiers, 6-9 month clothes, and an Indiana driver's license. OK, maybe I exaggerated about that last one, but where did my baby go?

I won't go three more months until my next post, but more will have to wait. Little man needs some oatmeal with nanners.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Can you believe...

...that this little peanut is three months old today?


I can't.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

My Breastfeeding Journey

Ah, breastfeeding. This is a subject that I've become quite educated on in the last three months. It is also a subject that for some reason is still kind of taboo in our society. Let's face it, when someone mentions breastfeeding, a lot of people automatically think BOOBS. And boobs can be an awkward subject. However, breastfeeding should not be.

Breastfeeding is natural. Go to different parts of the world and you will see women breastfeeding their babies (and toddlers) out in the open in public with no insecurities. Not only are the mothers not insecure, the other women and men around them won't even bat an eye at a woman breastfeeding her child in public. Then why is it so socially unacceptable to do that here in the good ol' USA? Why can't I expose my bare breast in the grocery store or at a restaurant or at the mall if and when Lawson gets hungry? Well, maybe I can, but it will offend people. I'm not saying that I would do that because even if it was socially acceptable...as much as I love breastfeeding...I have my limits. But it should be OK for a woman to do so if she chooses.

Breastfeeding is such a hush-hush subject. I can't tell you how many women have asked me since I had Lawson if I am breastfeeding him. However, it doesn't come up as naturally as the other questions I normally get asked: How big is he now? How is he sleeping? Do you just love being a mother? The breastfeeding question usually comes up at the end of the casual conversation and is normally asked in a whisper, close to my ear and almost through gritted teeth, like asking me if I'm breastfeeding is equivalent to asking me if I murdered someone. I smile politely and say that yes, I am breastfeeding. And then, almost always, I get asked, "And how is that going for you?" with a look and a tone that imply that if I'm not failing at breastfeeding now, I will be soon.

I think that breastfeeding is somewhat trendy in our culture. I get the impression that among women that are having babies today, breastfeeding is coming back in style, slowly but surely. But since it has been out of style for so long, that is what makes it uncomfortable for some. Formula was invented some time ago but was extremely popular in the 1970s. Over two-thirds of babies were formla-fed in the 1970s. It was promoted as easy and convenient and women loved it, so the trend was to give your baby formula. Formula isn't poison. Lawson has had formula and he may very well have it again. But formula got to be such a trend that breastfeeding was put on the back burner of the socially acceptable scale and therefore became an awkward subject of conversation. That's too bad.

I made the decision to breastfeed my child(ren) before I even thought about becoming pregnant for the first time. I knew it was something that I wanted to try. I knew the benefits of breastmilk and didn't think twice about giving it a go. However, I went into breastfeeding very blind. My mother was not able to breastfeed my sister or me due to very low milk supply so I never got advice or any kind of experience from her. I had a couple of friends have babies before me but never got into the depths of breastfeeding with them. When I got pregnant with Lawson, I read a lot about breastfeeding. A lot. All of that reading affirmed what I already knew I wanted: to breastfeed and be successful at it. To decide to breastfeed can be easy. To be successful at it can be the difficult part.

I was very lucky in that I was able to breastfeed Lawson for the first time very soon after he was born. Experts say that if you are going to breastfeed, you should do it within an hour after a baby is born to establish a good breastfeeding relationship. I wasn't able to do it quite that soon because of the C-section, but it was pretty soon after. I had an image in my head of what my first breastfeeding session would look like: Me, glowing from the euphoria of motherhood...holding my baby in my arms...the baby latched on perfectly to my breast and fully content as he got his first meal from me. I wish it was that easy. Lawson and I were amateurs at breastfeeding and it showed. Thanks to nature, Lawson knew more about breastfeeding than I did. Newborns have an instinct to open their mouth when a nipple is nearby and know how to suck to obtain milk. I, on the otherhand, felt a tad clueless when it came down to getting him latched on for the first time. No amount of reading could have prepared me enough to really know how to do it. Thankfully the nurses don't just throw you to the breastfeeding wolves and expect you to figure it out on your own. The nurses were very helpful but Lawson and I had latch problems in the beginning. Lawson was also not that hungry because he took a big gulp of amniotic fluid right before he was delivered so his belly was full and he had no interest in milk for several hours. The nurses kept telling me to not be discouraged and that it would happen. I must have been told not to be discouraged about 20 times, if not more, while I was in the hospital. But I was determined and didn't give up.

But it didn't get easier right away. We were starting to get the hang of breastfeeding when we left the hospital, but Lawson was pretty jaundice. I know that some of the nurses were nervous he wasn't getting enough calories to make the jaundice go away. Basically the more calories he took in, the lower his bilirubin levels would be and the jaundice would go away. However, my peanut was more concerned with sleeping rather than breastfeeding and that posed several problems. A sleepy baby is not a good eater, and boy did we have a sleepy baby. The jaundice was making him exhausted, especially when his bilirubin level was its highest at 18.6 (I think a level around 25 is when there starts to become real concern of harmful effects to the baby). He was a very sleepy and lethargic baby, which made breastfeeding him extremely difficult. He was perfectly content on sleeping and not eating. He was also content on not being full when he did eat. He would eat enough to not be hungry, but not be full, which was not making the jaundice go away. Justin and I struggled to get him to stay awake during each feeding. We would strip him down to his diaper before each feeding, hoping that him being cold would keep him awake. While he was eating we would pull at his limbs (not hard, of course), tickle his back and his feet, rub his head, poke at him, massage his neck, and basically do everything we could to get him to stay awake and eat. Since he was so sleepy while eating, feedings could take an hour to an hour and a half. Since he was eating every three hours (and that's every three hours from the start of one feeding to the start of another...not three hours from when he ended one feeding to the start of another), sometimes I would only get an hour break between feedings and I began to really understand what women meant when they said that breastfeeding is hard. And that was just from being exhausted...don't forget to factor in the sore, cracked nipples and pain from being engorged when my milk came in.

Lawson's pediatrician and the lactation consultants suggested that I pump after each feeding to get my supply to stay up and to use that extra milk to supplement him. Basically they wanted him packed with calories so we could get the bilirubin levels under control. So I thought he was eating around 2-3 oz. at every feeding and then I was pumping 2-3 oz., which would have been an awesome milk supply. However, my little man was only taking in about an ounce or so at each feeding and the extra milk I thought I had, was really just the milk that he should have been taking in but wasn't. We knew this because he was not gaining weight and his bilirubin levels were not decreasing for awhile. So on to plan B.

What was plan B? Hell. Instead of supplementing him (giving him extra breastmilk after a feeding) once or twice a day, we were now to supplement him at every feeding, at least an ounce each time and feed him every hour and a half to two hours. Since we were to supplement at every feeding, I was worried about having enough milk and about Lawson getting too used to a bottle and losing interest in breastfeeding. To combat the latter problem, we decided to use an SNS system to give Lawson his supplement. This means that I would breastfeed him and at the same time a tiny tube would go into the corner of his mouth that was connected to a syringe that held more milk. As he sucked to eat off of the breast, he would also suck the milk out of the syringe. We could have given him a bottle, but this system was recommended to us by both his pediatrician and the lactation consultants at the hospital. So we decided that was best. And I say we because it took two people to complete each feeding. I would focus on Lawson and Justin would help with the SNS. While the SNS helped with Lawson not getting used to a bottle, I was still worried about having enough milk for all of these feedings, and I didn't. We had to use formula for a lot of the supplement we gave him. The hardest part during this time was the exhaustion. A feeding would take 45 minutes to an hour, I would pump for 15 minutes and then I would get about 45 minutes to an hour break, and then we would start all over again. We did that around the clock for about four days. Justin nor I slept much at all and only for about 45 minutes to an hour at a time. Now that I look back, perhaps the word exhausted doesn't even begin to explain how tired we were.

But it worked. Lawson's bilirubin levels came down and we got rid of the jaundice. You would think that the SNS and the frequent feedings and the lack of sleep would have been my lowest point in breastfeeding, but that came about a week later. After Lawson's jaundice was pretty much gone, his pediatrician told me that I no longer needed to pump after each feeding since I didn't need to supplement Lawson with extra milk. I trusted her as she was a) a doctor and b) currently breastfeeding her daughter. So I stopped pumping. I was so ready to put that pump away and not think about it for a couple of months until I needed to stock the freezer for going back to work. But when I stopped pumping, my milk supply dropped drastically. Until then I hadn't been making a ton of milk, but I was making enough for him (except when we had to supplement at each feeding). Milk production works on a supply/demand basis--the baby demands it, the body makes it. Since pumping mimics (as best it can) breastfeeding, I was asking my body for a lot of milk between feeding Lawson and pumping, and my body was responding by making it. When I stopped pumping (stopped demanding) my body stopped making as much milk. This was a problem. The bigger a baby gets, the more milk he wants. Since Lawson's jaundice was gone and he was awake and alert during feedings and growing, he wanted more milk, and I simply wasn't making enough for him. I hit my breastfeeding rock-bottom when Lawson was three weeks old. He was hungry and I didn't have enough milk for him. He was crying and crying at the breast because he had completely drained it and was still starving. I felt like the biggest failure. I don't know why. It's not like I would be a failure of a mother if I couldn't breastfeed. But I was exhausted and overwhelmed and I completely lost it. I remember laying him on the couch, screaming with hunger, and standing in the kitchen and crying because I didn't have enough milk for him. Enter Justin. He came home from work at that point, calmed me down, calmed Lawson down and off we went to the breastfeeding support group at the hospital. Thank goodness for lactation consultants. They reassured me that I was not a breastfeeding failure. They suggested that I do some things to increase my milk supply and that if I had to give Lawson a little formula in the meantime, then it would be fine.

I started the slow climb back up the sanity ladder and took measures to increase my supply. On the way home from the hospital that evening we stopped at GNC to get Fenugreek pills. Fenugreek is an herb used for several different reasons but commonly used to increase milk supply. I'm not sure exactly how it works, but it does! I saw a difference within a few days and was very relieved. Only downside about taking Fenugreek? It makes you smell like maple syrup. In fact, if you don't smell like maple syrup, you aren't taking enough to have an effect on your milk supply. So I was taking nine pills a day...and I smelled like a nice big stack of pancakes for six weeks. After six weeks I was able to stop taking it as your body keeps up your supply without the pill after that amount of time.

The second major measure I took to increase my supply was to pump at least four or five times a day. Even if I didn't get any milk when I pumped, I was trying to trick my body into thinking that even though I was empty, I still wanted it to give me more milk so it should produce milk. It helped and I slowly weaned myself off of pumping so much. Finally, I started drinking more water. I think this is one of the most important measures to take when increasing and keeping a milk supply. You have to drink enough water and eat enough calories to achieve a good supply since you lose so much water through breastfeeding and burn about 500 calories a day as well. Now I think I drink about 125-150 oz. of water a day. I may not be a slave to my pump anymore but I'm definitely a slave to my water bottle!

Now, as Lawson approaches three months of age on Thursday, we are breastfeeding pros. He is eating six times a day and gaining weight like a champ. I am able to pump 4-5 oz. of milk each morning after his first feeding and I have a nice supply in the freezer. I'm insanely jealous of women that can pump 20 oz. in one sitting, but I have to remind myself that it is my job to feed my baby, not the freezer.

I've come to love breastfeeding. It was extremely difficult in the beginning. It was physcially draining since I was exhausted and sore and emotionally draining due to all of my frustration and stress. But now I love feeding Lawson. He is a much more efficient eater so feedings don't take quite as long. And while he is getting bigger everyday, I know that at least six times a day I get to have him snuggled up to me.

I've become passionate about breastfeeding. I still read almost anything I can get my hands on about it. I can't educate myself enough about it. It is one of the most rewarding and selfless things I've ever done because I did it and still do it for Lawson. My goal is to breastfeed him (or at least give him breastmilk through pumping) for a year and then make the decision if I want to continue longer. However, if that doesn't work out I won't beat myself up about it since I know I've truly given my best try at breastfeeding.

I'm glad I wrote this post as most of it was for myself to document my breastfeeding journey, but I also think it was beneficial to say that breastfeeding does not have to be such an off-limits topic. It doesn't have to be a secret. I'm not going to breastfeed Lawson in the middle of Olive Garden  (mmmm...breadsticks) anytime soon, but if I want to, I shouldn't be thrown dirty looks or feel frowned upon. Nor should I feel like a failure if I have to stop breastfeeding and give Lawson formula. At the end of the day a mother that does her job and feeds her baby so that he or she grows and thrives is a good mother.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Finally!

I finished Lawson's birth story...finally. It only took me about three months! It's right below this post. Enjoy!

Lawson's Birth Story

Just as I thought it would happen, Justin and I did not get much sleep at all the night before Lawson was born. We spent that night taking turns looking at each other every half hour to make sure the other one wasn't freaking out. That night was filled with laughs and hugs and tears. It was a great night and one that seemed perfect as our last night of just the two of us. I remember falling asleep around 1 a.m. and waking up around 3:30 a.m. and realizing Justin wasn't in bed with me any longer. He had moved to the living room like he always does when he can't sleep. I read for a little bit, he came back to bed, and we talked for awhile before we both tried to go to sleep but never really succeeded.

We got up that morning and were too wrapped up in making sure that everything was packed and ready to go to really think and be nervous. We said goodbye to Maggie (poor kitty's world was about to be turned upside down and she didn't even know it), loaded the car, and off we went. We arrived at the hospital and had to wait awhile in triage before the process really got started. The first couple of hours we were there were filled with being hooked up to monitors (I was having contractions but didn't feel them), IVs, and a million questions for me while Justin put our things in our room and fielded the question of if he had the camera from me about a hundred times. My nurse in the morning and throughout my C-section was nothing short of amazing. She was funny and extremely calming. She always let me know what was going on while it was going on and I felt so comfortable around her. She never made me feel like my questions or concerns were stupid, which is what I was afraid of in a nurse. I understand that they are around deliveries/C-sections everyday, but I'm certainly not.

A couple of hours flew by and off to the operating room we went. Well, I went. Justin wasn't allowed to come in the room until my spinal block was correctly placed and I was on the table. I was very nervous to be without him, but something happened then that I don't think was a coincidence. I walked into the operating room, teeth chattering and knees shaking because I was so nervous (plus, it's really cold in there). I sat down on the table to wait to have the spinal block put in (they can't put it in until they know the doctor is on his/her way to perform the C-section since it only lasts for so long) and James Taylor's "You've Got a Friend" came on the radio. My mom was a huge James Taylor fan. You can call me crazy, but when that song came on, I felt calm and comforted. I believe it was a sign that she was there with me, letting me know that everything was going to be OK. And it was.

My spinal was placed with no complications at all and Justin was brought in. Even though I could only see his eyes since he was all scrubbed up, I could tell he was nervous. I was trying to keep it together for him and he was trying to keep it together for me. From there things seemed to go by very quickly. Before I knew it, the curtain was up, I was feeling a lot of pressure (yes, what you hear the doctors/nurses tell C-section patients on TV really is what happens...it's A LOT of pressure), and we were both waiting to hear a first cry and find out if we had a son or daughter. The doctor let Justin do the honors on that last one. Once the little one was out enough, I saw Justin stand up, look at our doctor, and then say with such pride in his voice that we had a baby boy! The next thing I heard was little Lawson cry. I'm not sure how to describe that moment without being cliche. That cry was the best sound I had ever heard. It was the happiest, most beautiful moment of my life. I felt like I was standing in the corner of the room watching it all happen. Lawson cried, I cried, and Justin beamed. Lawson was raised above the curtain for me to see him. He was swollen and goopy and slimy and simply...gorgeous. And like only baby boys can, he peed three times between the operating table and the "cleaning off" station (for lack of what it's really called...if it has a proper name). While I was being...well, taken care of...Justin was snapping photos. For a moment I felt alone there on the operating table, but in a good way. I thanked God for my healthy baby boy, I closed my eyes and felt my mom's presence all around me, and took a few moments to look over at what was now not just my husband, but my family. My boys.



Lawson passed all of his tests with flying colors and the time came for him to be weighed. Now remember, if you will, I had a scheduled C-section because little Lawson wasn't supposed to be so little. I think I asked about three times before he was weighed how big he was but everyone kept telling me he hadn't been weighed yet, so the anticipation was building. When our little man was finally placed on the scales, he was only 7 pounds, 15 ounces. I say only because he was estimated to be 9 1/2 pounds at least! Justin and I looked at each other when his weight was announced and joked with the nurse to weigh him again because there was no way that could be right! I was shocked for a second and then locked eyes with my doctor. She knew what I was thinking: Hey Doc, if he wasn't even 8 pounds, why am I strapped down to this table, gutted like a fish, instead of recovering from a vaginal delivery (like I wanted)? She didn't miss a beat and said, "You would have never pushed his head out anyway." Oh yeah. He did have a big noggin.

Once he was weighed, he was swaddled and given to Justin. Lawson was the first newborn Justin had ever held and he looked completely natural. He looked happy and calm and like he had been playing this role of daddy his whole life. He brought him over to me so I could kiss him. I find it interesting when people (parents included) describe newborns as strangers and that it takes time to get to know them. I didn't feel that way at all. I already knew him. I knew that he got hiccups almost everyday, especially in the evening. I knew that he liked to stick his butt out on the right side of my belly just as I got into bed every night. I knew the soft punches he gave me in the middle of the night, like we were the only two people awake at 3 a.m. and it was our little secret. I knew he was a little boy, even though no one had ever confirmed that to me. I knew that if I pressed on a certain spot on my belly, he would kick back. I knew him. I guess in a way it was like meeting him for the first time as I stared at him and tried to memorize his features, but it was also like looking into his eyes and seeing my soulmate that I'd known for my entire life.



He was placed in my arms for the ride to our room. After nurses fussed over both of us again as we arrived in our room, he was placed skin-to-skin on my chest. While Lawson was snoozing away on my chest and I was enjoying the indescribable high of first-time motherhood, we decided we would delay the family meeting him a little longer but that Justin should go to the waiting room and at least share with them that we had a perfect baby boy. I was jealous that he got this task but very excited for him. I think that one of the most special moments for a first-time daddy is the walk into the waiting room to share the news with the anxious family members. Someone had given us the advice that he should take the camera with him and take a picture of the family just as he walked out to catch their excitement. It is one of my favorite pictures from the day. I love knowing that those huge smiles were of genuine excitement and all for our baby boy.


After Lawson and I snuggled for awhile, nature did it's thing and he began wanting to breastfeed. We stumbled a little awkwardly through that first feeding, but it went fairly well and Lawson quickly fell back to sleep. At that time we decided it was time to allow family to come in and put them out of their waiting patiently misery. Justin and I had decided awhile back that my dad would be the first visitor in to meet Lawson. This was my request. While I knew the day would be obviously joyous, I also knew that it would be incredibly difficult to not have my mother there. Since I knew my dad would be feeling the same way, I wanted to have a few moments with my dad and my new baby to let our emotions out without an audience.

Once my dad entered the room, tears came to my eyes as I heard him already choked up as he washed his hands. He came right to my bedside and took Lawson in his arms. I had a feeling at that moment that is difficult to describe. I think there is something awesome about giving my dad the gift of a grandchild. I was so thankful already that I was chosen to be Lawson's mommy, but thankful all over again that with that gift, I was able to make my dad a grandfather. We cried happy and sad tears at that moment and I smiled as my dad held Lawson for the first time and looked at him as if he had known him forever. My dad said what everyone was thinking, "I wish your mom was here to see this." Me too, Dad. But I know she was. I allowed myself to be sad that day about my mom when I needed to be. But more importantly, I allowed myself to not let that sadness overcome me. I felt very peaceful throughout the entire day when I thought about my mother and her physical absence because I knew she was present in other ways. I feel her all around me more now that I am a mother than I ever did before.


After my dad had a few minutes, we let the rest of the grandparents and Aunt Jessica and Uncle Shane come back to meet Lawson. We also had other family members and friends visit throughout the evening. I didn't really have time to be tired or in pain. I never was in much pain or uncomfortable that first day, except that the drugs they give you after a C-section make your face itch like mad, at least they did for me.

We kept Lawson in the room with us that first night, which meant we got very little sleep and jumped at every little grunt, squeak, and sound that Lawson made. But we were on a cloud higher than nine and didn't mind. However, we did come to our senses the second day and had the nurses take Lawson to the nursery for a few hours the next two evenings. Apparently all of the nurses in the nursery fought over holding him the entire time he was down there, so I know he was loved on while Mommy and Daddy got some much-needed sleep.

Thanks to the nurses, staff, my doctor, morphine, and percocet, our stay at the hospital was incredibly comfortable and easy. Recovering from a C-section is no joke but I took the advice of several people and got up and moving as soon as I could. The encouragement, love, and support I got from Justin made me feel like a rockstar, which was extremely helpful.

After the first day in the hospital, we spent the rest of the time with few visitors, which was actually nice as we soaked in our baby boy and enjoyed our first few days as a family of three. We were lucky to eat two different Thanksgiving dinners brought by family members and even dressed Lawson up in his Thanksgiving outfit, even though it was way too big for him.

On Saturday afternoon we packed up our things, strapped Lawson into his carseat for the first time and headed home. I was really sad to leave the hospital. Everything seemed so easy while we were there and I was scared that we had to go home and do this on our own, but ready for the adventure.

Here are some more photos from the day:

 A proud daddy and his boy.

 First photo of our family of three.

 Lawson's first bath just a few hours after he was born.

 We spent a lot of time like this in the hospital.

 Lawson's first Thanksgiving! He was in this outfit for about five minutes for the photo op.

 This is the first picture we got of him with his eyes open!


All ready to go home!
(Goodness...Mama needs some make-up.)
 
Lawson is the biggest love of my life and I feel so honored to be his mother. After just re-living all of that, I must go wipe my tears and snuggle with my baby boy.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Beware!

THE ONE-SOCK BANDIT IS ON THE LOOSE!

Poor Lawson is a victim of the One-Sock Bandit at least once a day, if not more. Funny, though, this bandit only takes the sock off and usually leaves it right next to Lawson. Sometimes we think he tries to get away with the sock as we will find one sock on Lawson and one on the floor, but he has never fully gotten away with one. He usually strikes during the night or at naptime, leaving a sleeping Lawson with one cold foot. Sometimes he sneaks up on us during a feeding, so I'm surprised I haven't noticed him, but we are determined to get him one of these days!

Friday, February 18, 2011

Just call me Martha.

Stewart, that is. Well, on second thought, don't call me that. Think of someone that has crafting fever but is younger and hipper and hasn't been to jail. Call me by that person's name.

It all started a little while ago when I saw a yarn wreath project on a blog I read. Don't know what a yarn wreath is? Google it. They seem to be all the rage on craft blogs these days.

I thought it was absolutely precious and knew instantly that I wanted needed one of these hanging on a wall in the Leavell house. So my sister, Lawson, and I made a quick trip to the craft store (Jo-Ann's...my homegirl) that very night I discovered the wonder of the yarn wreath and got the necessary supplies, which included a styrofoam wreath form, yarn, and felt.

One evening I started wrapping my wreath form with yarn (which can and will take you 4 hours total if you are a perfectionist like me and every line of yarn had to be perfect...and if you have an almost three-month-old baby that likes to snuggle and not let Mommy have craft time). A few days (and nap times) later, my wreath was wrapped and donning incredibly cute felt flowers and leaves and now lives in our bathroom. I know, the bathroom might seem like a weird place to put it but I made it in very neutral colors so I knew that I wanted it to be somewhere that had some color and our bathroom walls are orange sooooo that seemed like the obvious place. Wanna see it? It's just so cute!

The great thing about it is that I used pins to put the flowers on so if I ever want to change it up, I can. But I like the neutrals for now.

Or if I want another style it will just give me an excuse to make another one, which I'm itching to do.

Speaking of itching, that little yarn wreath certainly gave me the crafting bug. After I finished my little bathroom gem, I was craving more yarn and felt and project ideas so I scoured the Internet for craft blogs and ideas, found some I loved, strapped the little man in his car seat and made off like a mad woman to the craft store (Michael's this time...my homeboy).

I grabbed a bunch of supplies, including a pile of felt. Um, felt is the coolest, in case you didn't know. Seriously. I have a whole pile:

I have a myriad of projects I'm currently working on and Justin is tripping over in the living room floor. They are all projects for my little peanut's room, which is still not finished but needs to be soon since he will be moving in there in a about a month. But let's not talk about that since it makes me hyperventilate.

If you need me, I'll be drooling over my pile of felt in the living room. That, or I'll be throwing myself face first in the carpet and bawling my eyes out because Lawson is officially in 3-6 month clothes. Slow down, kid.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

I'm obsessed...

WITH LAWSON'S FEET
They are the cutest feet I've ever seen in my life. I am constantly kissing them, touching them, or tickling them during diaper changes, when I change, his clothes, bathtime, and, well, pretty much all the time. Justin thinks I'm crazy. I think it's normal...right? Thankfully it looks as though he will take after his daddy and avoid inheriting my Fred Flinstone feet. Dodged that bullet. Honestly, there is nothing cuter than these scrumptious little baby toes!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

It's official...

I have the
CUTEST
1 1 - w e e k - o l d
baby boy on the planet.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Instead

As Lawson approaches two months of age, (he was officially 8 weeks old yesterday...seriously?) he is getting a little more predictable as far as a schedule goes. I'm not trying to force any kind of schedule on him because I still have over a month and a half before I go back to work, but I've noticed that he is developing one of his own. And as sure as I type this, that schedule will go out the window and he will completely surprise me with a new one, but oh well.

He wakes up for the day around 9 a.m. (he goes to bed around 11:30 p.m., wakes up at 3:30 a.m. to eat and then goes back to sleep around 5:30 a.m.) and he usually takes a short nap in the late morning for about an hour and then a long three-hour nap in the afternoon with a few cat naps in the evening. Knowing this, I had big plans for myself during these nap times the past couple of days. I was going to pick up around the house, download some books to my Kindle, blog, continue catching up on The Young & the Restless on DVR (I'm still watching shows from the middle of October...and it's getting gooooood), do no less than four loads of laundry, take a couple of showers (not all at one time, silly), read, write thank you notes, etc.

Instead, I did none of those things. Well, I showered. Once.

Instead, while Lawson did take those predicted naps over the past couple of days, he did not sleep on his own. Instead, little man decided that he was going to go through a hungry period, which he does from time to time, and a clingy phase, which he has been known to do as well. So for the past 72 hours or so, I've spent all of my time nursing and holding my baby boy. He has not wanted to nap unless it has been on my chest (or Justin's for a couple of hours) and I was unable to accomplish anything on the list above that I felt would have been productive ways to spend my time. Instead, I mastered doing necessary tasks with one hand, like feeding Maggie, and I ate Cheerios for dinner since a bowl of cereal was the easiest thing to "cook" and eat with one hand.

I wasn't able to check anything off of my list, but I held and cuddled with my baby that is growing way, way too fast. And you know what? I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

I apologize.

I'm trying not to suck at this whole blogging thing. How is that working out for me? Meh. Don't answer.

I have extremely good intentions about writing more. But, unfortunately, you cannot read my good intentions. Too bad, though. I have posts that are already in progress such as Lawson's birth story, a post about him at one month of age, and a post about the wonders of being a mother (the real, wonderful wonders and the ones that leave me frustrated at the time but smiling at the end of the day). I also have posts that are only written in my head. Those include a post about just how my relationship with Justin changed after having Lawson, which I was scared about, and a rivoting post about my boobs...in which I discuss breastfeeding. Hey, my life is all about being a mommy now, and since I'm breastfeeding, well, my life revolves around my boobs, as you will soon read about. Thrilled, aren't you?

I will also write a post about what was the scariest moment of my life--this past weekend when Lawson ended up in the hospital. Don't worry, he is absolutely fine now. More on that to come.

So you saw a new post and thought you would get to read more than my apologies and good intentions...well, you will. In the meantime, I'm off to ponder how to discuss my boobs in a blog-appropriate way.