Ready or Not

I'm having a baby tomorrow.

TOMORROW.

And I'm speechless.

Well, almost.

I go from moments of excitement to nervousness back to excitement and then to freaking out. I have so many fears, so many concerns, and so many other feelings that I really can't put into words.

I feel like I've been pregnant forever. I don't feel like it was "just yesterday". I remember the exact moment I found out. I remember what I was wearing, what I was thinking, who I called first (hi, Ashley) and how I told Justin. I remember when I first felt the baby move. I remember how I felt when Justin finally felt the baby move and his reaction to him or her. I remember a lot, but I fear what's ahead. Having a C-section is definitely not the birth plan I always imagined for myself. I always pictured my water breaking, the exciting drive to the hospital, the hard work of pushing and delivery, etc. But God and the baby had other plans. I was very disappointed at first knowing that I won't be delivering as I had always thought. But as my doctor has told me many times, the end result of a pregnancy is a healthy, happy baby and mother and that's exactly what I'm planning on and hoping for.

In many ways, we are ready. The nursery is ready. The pack 'n' play is set-up in our room, just waiting for a baby to sleep in it for the first time. The diapers are bought, the wipes are bought, all of the clothes and the blankets are clean, folded, and put away. All of the baby gear is put together and the car seat is snug in my backseat just waiting to bring Little Leavell home in a matter of days. We've even tried to prepare Maggie for what's about to happen.

However, in many ways, I feel we are not ready.

Is it bad that I can't wrap my head around the fact that tomorrow Justin and I will be parents? I know we are going to have the baby but I don't know that it's fully hit me that this baby, our little boy or girl, is going to go home with us and we, alone, are going to responsible for it. I hope that doesn't make me a horrible person.

I also hope it doesn't make me a horrible person that I fear how our marriage is going to change. I know our relationship will change; that is inevitable. But we've talked a lot in the past couple of weeks about how we both are a little sad to see our life of just the two of us go away. We have a lot of fun together. We laugh A LOT. We find stupid things to do together. I really enjoy the time we spend together. Is it natural to feel like I'm going to miss that? I hope so. I swear I'm not a horrible person. But I love Justin. I LOVE HIM. And as much as I fear the change in our relationship, I also can't wait to see him as a daddy tomorrow. I can't wait to see the look on his face when our baby is born and how he looks when he first holds him or her. I can't wait to see him experience a whole new kind of love that I don't even know he is expecting.

I fear I'm not ready for how I'm going to feel tomorrow without having my mom there. I've thought a lot about this, so much more than I've told anyone. As my sister and I grew older, my mom wanted nothing more than to be a grandmother. I feel guilty that she never got the chance. Will she know? Will she be watching as her grandson or granddaughter enters the world tomorrow? I know the answers to these questions. But I'm sad. I'm sad she won't get to hold him or her. I'm sad she won't get to cry with me and rejoice with me. I'm sad she won't get to brag and boast about her grandbaby. I'm sad that the baby won't feel the love that she would have had for him or her. Because it would have been a lot. But I'm not sad about the baby not knowing who my mom was. Because he or she will know. I'll make sure of that.

So ready or not, the baby is coming tomorrow. All approximately nine pounds of it.

Let's end this with one more of these:

How far along: 38 weeks and 6 days (will deliver tomorrow at exactly 39 weeks)

Total weight gain: Approximately....too much. I plan on losing at least nine pounds tomorrow :-)

Sleep: Ha! I wake up at least once a night to go pee and several, several more times to toss and turn. I think Justin is looking forward to non-pregnant sleep more than I am!

Best moment this week: Spending a lot of time with Justin and seeing the baby again today on the ultrasound.

Movement: At the moment the baby is putting a lot of pressure on me because little one likes to stick his/her butt and back out. My belly looks lopsided right now.

Gender: Still thinking boy but we will find out soon!

Labor signs: None! The ultrasound technician said today that the baby's head was still floating (not putting pressure on my cervix) which means my body is not ready to go into labor on its own anytime soon. Boy is it in for a surprise!

Belly button in or out? Fully out.

Cravings: Fried mushrooms from The Grill 2 in McCordsville. Justin is picking them up right now as I type this.

What I miss: Fitting into clothes. Even my maternity clothes don't fit anymore. Oh, and tying my shoes.

What I am looking forward to: Meeting our little baby tomorrow!